Issue date: 9/15/06 Section: Opinion

Now that school is back in session, it's time we addressed some of the issues that have come to a head recently. First and foremost, the freshman class is big. Too big, as a matter of fact. These 403 soon-to-be men and women stepped onto the campus this fall unaware of the ways of the world and just waiting to be corrupted by our wonderfully liberal value system. And ever since then, something has been brewing. In the beginning, of course, it was great. It meant more guys and girls to dance seductively at Shirttails, which is something I think we can all agree is a good thing.
But after Shirttails was over and everyone came out of their first week and a half of drunken stupor, it finally came to our attention the threat the freshman posed. They've stolen all that remained of what was already a precious commodity: our parking spots. We all deserve the right to park close to our dorms, and this unruly mob of youngsters has taken that right from us!
Now, it seems to me we have two viable solutions to this problem. Perhaps we could turn the area between the houses and Hardin into a parking lot. That grass is doing us no good as is, and the trees aren't plentiful enough to provide us with any significant amount of oxygen. However, in a campus such as ours, where hippies abound, I'm sure at least one of our activist upperclassmen will chain themselves to one of the trees in order to stop us from bulldozing it. This leaves us with only one other option, and one that would meet a good amount of opposition, even though it's a fairly modest proposal: we eat all the freshmen.
Back to Shirttails, Hendrix apparently has some ignorant people living around its borders. You'd have to be either stupid or senile to move into a house set next to any college (let alone a liberal arts one) and expect to have peace and quiet at night on a regular basis. These are probably the same people who call in noise complaints for off-campus parties just because they don't want any partying happening at all, regardless of noise levels. Honestly, what kind of people would call in this noise complaint? Not anyone under 50, that's for sure. Any person who remembers the joys of college could never be coldhearted enough to do that. Plus it's not even the nice over 50 crowd, either; if only we were bordered by the pleasant chocolate chip cookie-baking, hug-giving, sweet grannies. But no! It would appear that all housing surrounding Hendrix not owned by students is inhabited by the crotchety old people who enjoy spoiling college fun.
In the elderly people's defense, however, they do have one good reason to be mad: this summer. More specifically, the ungodly temperatures we've been forced to endure. Having lived in nearby Memphis, Tennessee for all of my life, I can personally assure you that this summer is indeed hotter than previous ones. And if my assurance isn't enough, then watch the news sometime. All across the country it's been hotter. The question is, of course, if this increase in temperature is due to what we humans are putting into the air, or if it's just part of Earth's natural temperature cycle. I'm guessing a bit of column A, and a bit of column B. But who cares? At this rate, we'll all melt before we figure anything out.
And if I do happen to melt, you'll all know about it within a matter of seconds, thanks to the new features on facebook. Crikey!

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