2008 Woodie Awards
I'd Rather Be Even Dirtier
Ethan Moore
Issue date: 4/14/06 Section: Opinion
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For as long as anyone can remember, Hardin Hall has stood as a monolith of resounding justice, of never failing pop, and of course, of distinction. The gentlemen produced by this great force of benevolence possess qualities that far surpass that of a common layman. A Hardinite is able to crush entire legions of aliens by using only his thumbs. A Hardinite knows how to properly secure a box fan in their window so as to maximize the airflow in their living space, enabling a broad spectrum of recreational activities. A Hardinite knows what types of activities I am referring to. Above all though, a Hardinite knows the difference between Hendrix College and the Arkansas State Penitentiary.
Recently swift action was taken to attempt to remove some of the legendary prestige of the Hardin Man. From one day to the next, the familiar locking stalls once used to shield showering Hardinites momentarily from their common everyday onslaught of advances (from attractive females of course), were removed. These sturdy walls of everlasting privacy were stolen and replaced with not thinner walls, not with walls with no locks, not even with anything even remotely secure. No, from one day to the next, those same prestigious Hardinites from earlier found themselves showering in cells of flowing, transparent, sickly green tinted sheets. Suddenly Hardinites were forced to cope with a new and never before seen threat of showering in an unholy prison cell.
Another word for the act of essential cleansing is that of personal hygiene. The keyword here is personal, in that one cannot expect to attain any type of sterilization when made to stand nakedly in an envelope of a soaking wet drape of uncleanliness.
Yet another hazard to add to the list of offenses committed by the new shower conglomerate is that voiced by fellow Hardinite, Sagar Patel. Soon to be Dr. Patel points out the difficulty in taking a shower in an environment devoid of any stable surface. What is there to support a Hardinite if they are to slip on the new tiles of the floor? Are they supposed to rely on the curtains for support in their time of balance deficiency? I should hope not. Something drastic will certainly have to take place lest the new tile floor be littered with the fallen once-showering warriors of Hardin Hall.
Hardin Hall is a place promoting distinction. This distinction extends toward every aspect of a Hardinite's lifestyle, even into their showering habits. It therefore becomes very difficult to remain distinct when attempting to shower separated only by sheets of toilet-paper-thin material.
What is Hendrix promoting by allowing this distinction to be compromised? Beyond the fall of integrity, liberty, and indeed freedom, it would seem that the cause of this act against the Hardin Hall Man of Distinction would beyond anything be an attempted abolition of the very fundamental quality every Hardinite holds dear. Put very simply, beyond alcohol policies, beyond caged Brick Pit parties, beyond even the totalitarian card Swiping System (the SS), it would seem that the basic human right of taking a shower in a locking stall will soon be a thing of the past.
Remembering liberty in the midst of oppression,
Chris Zachau
Recently swift action was taken to attempt to remove some of the legendary prestige of the Hardin Man. From one day to the next, the familiar locking stalls once used to shield showering Hardinites momentarily from their common everyday onslaught of advances (from attractive females of course), were removed. These sturdy walls of everlasting privacy were stolen and replaced with not thinner walls, not with walls with no locks, not even with anything even remotely secure. No, from one day to the next, those same prestigious Hardinites from earlier found themselves showering in cells of flowing, transparent, sickly green tinted sheets. Suddenly Hardinites were forced to cope with a new and never before seen threat of showering in an unholy prison cell.
Another word for the act of essential cleansing is that of personal hygiene. The keyword here is personal, in that one cannot expect to attain any type of sterilization when made to stand nakedly in an envelope of a soaking wet drape of uncleanliness.
Yet another hazard to add to the list of offenses committed by the new shower conglomerate is that voiced by fellow Hardinite, Sagar Patel. Soon to be Dr. Patel points out the difficulty in taking a shower in an environment devoid of any stable surface. What is there to support a Hardinite if they are to slip on the new tiles of the floor? Are they supposed to rely on the curtains for support in their time of balance deficiency? I should hope not. Something drastic will certainly have to take place lest the new tile floor be littered with the fallen once-showering warriors of Hardin Hall.
Hardin Hall is a place promoting distinction. This distinction extends toward every aspect of a Hardinite's lifestyle, even into their showering habits. It therefore becomes very difficult to remain distinct when attempting to shower separated only by sheets of toilet-paper-thin material.
What is Hendrix promoting by allowing this distinction to be compromised? Beyond the fall of integrity, liberty, and indeed freedom, it would seem that the cause of this act against the Hardin Hall Man of Distinction would beyond anything be an attempted abolition of the very fundamental quality every Hardinite holds dear. Put very simply, beyond alcohol policies, beyond caged Brick Pit parties, beyond even the totalitarian card Swiping System (the SS), it would seem that the basic human right of taking a shower in a locking stall will soon be a thing of the past.
Remembering liberty in the midst of oppression,
Chris Zachau