2008 Woodie Awards
Dr. Alice Hines: Set to Finally Retire...It's About Time.
Ethan Moore
Issue date: 3/31/06 Section: Opinion
We caught up with Dr. Hines in the recently completed Moffatt-Story Humanities Building as she stared stoically out the window of what would have been her office. Mumbling to herself, we heard her say, "This is just another example of the Hendrix patriarchy at work."
Once we entered the office, we were not able to get her to budge from her position at the window, so we shouted questions, being mindful that she does not always heed what is being said. She did not respond to all of our questions, but she moved a little to the left of the window when we asked what she would like the local paper to say about her retirement. With her back turned to us she said, "I would like to be remembered as a professor who kept a neat office and held reasonable office hours, always returned tests and papers within one week of having received them, gave short tests with easy to answer questions, rarely had students who did not earn A's and B's, remained on task, never digressing to mention items from the news or other points of interest only to her, and a person who always dismissed classes on time."
Finally turning from the window to look through the door and into the hallway, Dr. Hines said her early retirement came as a reward for the protest march she had planned in response to the recent report of the faculty salary taskforce. When we tried to ask her about the protest march, she walked by us, and down the hallway. We tried again to get her to actually talk to us, but she never looked back as she continued talking to an invisible audience: " They never paid me six figures. I have seen too many comma splices, too many agreement errors, too much faulty predication, too many useless committee meetings, too much passive voice, too many faculty searches. . . . ."
APRIL FOOLS
Once we entered the office, we were not able to get her to budge from her position at the window, so we shouted questions, being mindful that she does not always heed what is being said. She did not respond to all of our questions, but she moved a little to the left of the window when we asked what she would like the local paper to say about her retirement. With her back turned to us she said, "I would like to be remembered as a professor who kept a neat office and held reasonable office hours, always returned tests and papers within one week of having received them, gave short tests with easy to answer questions, rarely had students who did not earn A's and B's, remained on task, never digressing to mention items from the news or other points of interest only to her, and a person who always dismissed classes on time."
Finally turning from the window to look through the door and into the hallway, Dr. Hines said her early retirement came as a reward for the protest march she had planned in response to the recent report of the faculty salary taskforce. When we tried to ask her about the protest march, she walked by us, and down the hallway. We tried again to get her to actually talk to us, but she never looked back as she continued talking to an invisible audience: " They never paid me six figures. I have seen too many comma splices, too many agreement errors, too much faulty predication, too many useless committee meetings, too much passive voice, too many faculty searches. . . . ."
APRIL FOOLS