2008 Woodie Awards
Quandary: Asphalt or Trees?
It's Good Old American Asphalt for Me
A.J. Berna
Issue date: 1/27/06 Section: Opinion
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Recently there has been a lot of whining from the green side of the campus. They are up in arms about recent developments concerning the nature trail and the Academic Village. With clearly nothing better to do, they organized a petition and harassed people to sign this ridiculous threat.
The basics of the petition are that these hippies want to stop the deforestation of the nature trail, and should it be cut down, they will withhold all donations to the school. Oh no. Not that. Seriously, though, stand strong Cloyd, hippies don't make much these days, so it's not a very big threat. Anyway, people who care this much about nature are going to be donating to Green Peace and other wacky leftist propaganda machines anyway.
I have to question if these liberal types have even been to the nature trail. While yes, you could say it has nature by the most extreme definition, it is mainly poorly cut roads and mud tracks, surrounded by shady undergrowth and a few disgusting trees. (And by shady I mean seedy, not the pleasant kind of shady you would like to find on a hot day.) Also, there is a large amount of trash that befouls the air and chokes the nostrils of any person brave enough to bear it. Barely anyone even uses it.
I sat out there for easily a whole day straight (November 24, 2005), and saw only one person using it: a hobo. The trail is infested with them. Walking through the forest, there is a tangible feel from their beady little eyes, staring at me and hoping to steal my wallet.
When you look at how disgusting the nature trail really is, there clearly is only one option, and that is removal. It must be removed from Hendrix land, by any means necessary.
Cloyd has his ambitious programs to make an Academic Village, trying to follow trends around the country. This idea has its merits, but I would like to propose a different solution. I suggest we burn down the nature trail, which would result in one awesome bonfire, and use the fire to cook up whatever mutated creatures have managed to carve out an existence in the woods. Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried roasted squirrel.
The basics of the petition are that these hippies want to stop the deforestation of the nature trail, and should it be cut down, they will withhold all donations to the school. Oh no. Not that. Seriously, though, stand strong Cloyd, hippies don't make much these days, so it's not a very big threat. Anyway, people who care this much about nature are going to be donating to Green Peace and other wacky leftist propaganda machines anyway.
I have to question if these liberal types have even been to the nature trail. While yes, you could say it has nature by the most extreme definition, it is mainly poorly cut roads and mud tracks, surrounded by shady undergrowth and a few disgusting trees. (And by shady I mean seedy, not the pleasant kind of shady you would like to find on a hot day.) Also, there is a large amount of trash that befouls the air and chokes the nostrils of any person brave enough to bear it. Barely anyone even uses it.
I sat out there for easily a whole day straight (November 24, 2005), and saw only one person using it: a hobo. The trail is infested with them. Walking through the forest, there is a tangible feel from their beady little eyes, staring at me and hoping to steal my wallet.
When you look at how disgusting the nature trail really is, there clearly is only one option, and that is removal. It must be removed from Hendrix land, by any means necessary.
Cloyd has his ambitious programs to make an Academic Village, trying to follow trends around the country. This idea has its merits, but I would like to propose a different solution. I suggest we burn down the nature trail, which would result in one awesome bonfire, and use the fire to cook up whatever mutated creatures have managed to carve out an existence in the woods. Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried roasted squirrel.