Issue date: 10/11/02 Section: Opinion

Like many of my fellow Warriors (ha), I am in attendance at Hendrix College in order to take advantage of this fine institution in as many creative ways as possible, rufies notwithstanding. For legal reasons, I can't, as such, describe to you what it is I'm suggesting, but let's just say that I put the F-U-N in "refund," and very enigmatically leave it at that. What I can tell you is this: the most exciting (lawful) opportunity of which I am planning to partake (pounce upon like the capitalist Eskimo on a baby seal) is the study abroad (get drunk with foreign ass) program.

This is a stressful process, and I'd like to be able to use you all as my personal therapists. I mean, you're all so much more tolerable now that I know I won't have to see you for six months.

Well, to get on with it: what lucky region will I be gracing with my presence, you may very well ask. It was a tough decision, as much of the world is presently engaged in spirited quarrel that makes the prospect of an extended sojourn about as attractive as a Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson reunion project. Say, Say, Say, I recently read that Melbourne, Australia and Vancouver, Canada have been rated the two best cities on the planet in which to live. Australia? Canada? I figured that the two most livable cities in the world might actually be in real countries instead of watered-down imitations of Mother England (hint), but maybe that's just me.

Our travel options are greatly reduced these days because of the amount of completely justifiable hostility that the rest of the world has towards the United States and Americans in general. You ever get the feeling that our little GW went to a swingers' club and found out that he wasn't exactly the hot commodity he had suspected? He gets no respect from the nuclear community because he pronounces it "nuke-you-luhr." Harping on Dubya is passé at this point, though, so I'll refrain from disparaging the limp-lipped little glue-sniffer any further. Snote cork, George?

Because of our President's inability to play with others, I found myself left with a limited list of possible destinations for my study abroad. Iraq is right out, as Vice President Taha Yassin "Yassin" Ramadan recently recommended that instead of a war between Americans and Iraqis, the conflict should be resolved by a duel between George Bush and Saddam "the Baghdad Hussy" Hussein. A pistols at dawn affair. Vice President Ramadan later suggested that he and American VP Dick Cheney team up against George and Saddam in a spirited game of Iraq's national pastime, red rover. Perhaps the cradle of civilization should be left unrocked by my presence.

Continued...

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