2008 Woodie Awards
Hello Ladies!
Phil Garrison
Issue date: 4/19/02 Section: Features
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This past weekend, Hendrix College hosted a national conference on gender. While I did not participate directly in the conference, I did take this as an opportunity to consider gender issues in our society. After some deep contemplation, I have come to the following insights.
1) Women are slowly getting over the problematic "little fat girl" syndrome. They are finally becoming comfortable with their bodies; less and less do they strive for the skinny body image that society tells them to achieve. This, my friends, has to stop.
The time has come to establish even higher standards for which women should strive. No longer should women merely aim for the skin-and-bones appearance. Now, having bones is too much. I want a woman who is just skin. She should just be a pile of mush on the floor. You could slip on her like a banana peal.
Think of it, ladies. If you are so fat that you actually have bones, as you age and experience osteoporosis, you will become increasingly attractive. Of course, you will still be old, and men can't be expected to be attracted to old women, now, can we?
2) While we're discussing it, why do we need to have a gender conference anyway? Shoot, I can look at a person and tell if they're a man or a woman. That's all I need to know, yo. I'm just tryin' ta get mine! Word 'em up.
3) Women are also slowly making achievements in the workplace. They are breaking through the "glass ceiling" and integrating themselves into higher and higher positions in the business world. Men, meanwhile, have been neglected with regards to this issue. Don't forget that we have our own barriers to breakdown. There are organizations that persistently keep men out of their ranks. Take, for example, the WNBA. Never in their years of existence has that organization allowed men to play on their teams.
4) I don't like boobs. I am sick of society's emphasis on their being a particularly attractive part of the female anatomy. They are nothing more than fat and glands. That's it. Cut them off! Fight the man and remove your glands! That way, men will appreciate you for who you are, and not just for your body. Don't worry about how your chest will look afterwards. I hear scarification is hip these days. Everybody had tattoos these days, so you might as well have some major scars where your heehaws used to be.
1) Women are slowly getting over the problematic "little fat girl" syndrome. They are finally becoming comfortable with their bodies; less and less do they strive for the skinny body image that society tells them to achieve. This, my friends, has to stop.
The time has come to establish even higher standards for which women should strive. No longer should women merely aim for the skin-and-bones appearance. Now, having bones is too much. I want a woman who is just skin. She should just be a pile of mush on the floor. You could slip on her like a banana peal.
Think of it, ladies. If you are so fat that you actually have bones, as you age and experience osteoporosis, you will become increasingly attractive. Of course, you will still be old, and men can't be expected to be attracted to old women, now, can we?
2) While we're discussing it, why do we need to have a gender conference anyway? Shoot, I can look at a person and tell if they're a man or a woman. That's all I need to know, yo. I'm just tryin' ta get mine! Word 'em up.
3) Women are also slowly making achievements in the workplace. They are breaking through the "glass ceiling" and integrating themselves into higher and higher positions in the business world. Men, meanwhile, have been neglected with regards to this issue. Don't forget that we have our own barriers to breakdown. There are organizations that persistently keep men out of their ranks. Take, for example, the WNBA. Never in their years of existence has that organization allowed men to play on their teams.
4) I don't like boobs. I am sick of society's emphasis on their being a particularly attractive part of the female anatomy. They are nothing more than fat and glands. That's it. Cut them off! Fight the man and remove your glands! That way, men will appreciate you for who you are, and not just for your body. Don't worry about how your chest will look afterwards. I hear scarification is hip these days. Everybody had tattoos these days, so you might as well have some major scars where your heehaws used to be.
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